Croc Hunter ~ Wizard Style
by Elizabeth Notrab
Summary: Although similar in title to one, this isn't part of the Mountain Dew quartet. Our fave trio doesn't even have a cameo appearance. And for those of you who are thinking I'm insane, who has not watched Croc Hunter and thought of Hagrid? Enjoy!


Hagrid is standing outside of his hut at the edge of the forbidden forest. A very nervous looking man with a video camera (semi- legally enchanted so is doesn't get screwed up by all the magic flying around the place) stands next to our hero, dwarfed by Hagrid's massiveness.  
  
"Well, we're off, Chip" Hagrid says to the cameraman, whose parents must have had a very nasty sense of humor to have actually named their child Chip.  
  
"Yes, I guess so. Er...are you sure I don't need a periscope lens?" Chip asks.  
  
"Nah. You'll be fine," Hagrid replies as he tromps off into the forbidden forest, Fang in tow. "Is the Camera on?"  
  
"Just a sec...yeah. Go ahead."  
  
"Well 'ello all yeh Muggles out there! I've been given special permission to make a video for Muggles whose children are wizards so yeh know what sorta things yer children'll be studying," Hagrid says to the camera, walking backwards.  
  
"Shouldn't you be watching where you're going?" the cameraman asks.  
  
"Nah, there's nothing more 'armful this close to the edge than a few carnivorous birds," Hagrid says in a voice that was surely meant to soothe the cameraman's fears, but does no such thing. Every now and then, Chip looks upward at the noises coming from the trees, and pulls his pointy hat a little further down on his head.  
  
Hagrid continues his spiel. "Anyway, right now we're in the Forbidden Forest jest outside the school grounds. This is off limits to all students, but I'm goin' ta show yeh what's out here. Right now I'm looking fer some of the ... wait!" Hagrid runs off to the side with Fang barking behind him. Chip takes this time to wonder how exactly he had let his agent talk him into this job and thinking bitterly that he wasn't getting paid nearly enough money.  
  
Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a shrub catches fire not far from where Chip is sitting, jerking him out of his reverie. "Hey, Chip!" Hagrid calls. "Come over 'ere! I found sumthin'!"  
  
Chip gets up and trudges over to where Hagrid is, only to find him holding a very small dragon by the tail, which was undoubtedly the cause of the great shrubbery fire.  
  
"We're lucky," Hagrid says to the camera, "to have been able to find this baby Scottish Spiketail. This 'ere's a female. Dragons are very rare in the Forbidden Forest and this is the first one I've ever seen 'ere that wasn't imported. This one's very young and quite grumpy -"  
  
"Maybe that's because she was sleeping and you just came up and grabbed her by the tail and dragged her out of her den," says Chip under his breath. Hagrid doesn't hear but keeps explaining that Scottish Spiketails are one of the few dragons that mate, lay their eggs and then abandon them.   
  
"Most dragon mums are very devoted to their 'atchlings. This 'ere's a beauty. She's just gorgeous isn't she? As long as I 'old 'er like this, I'm okay. She can't get me with 'er spikes and the bitey/burny end can't hit me. There's a male in the den too, and I'm going to go in and bring it out. Chip, 'old 'er."  
  
Hagrid then thrusts the Spiketail at Chip who, if he had had time to think probably would have thought something like I am **definitely** not getting paid enough. He didn't, however have time to think. When one is a very large person like Hagrid, it is a relatively (I stress relatively) simple task to contain a baby dragon. But Chip is not a very large person, but an average sized person. The only thing he could do was to struggle to not get hit by the 'bitey/burny end.'  
  
Hagrid comes out of the den holding a considerably larger (Chip thanks God that at least he didn't have to subdue **that** for Hagrid to retrieve the female) dragon whose scales are a little more purple than the female's sky blue ones. The male also has tufty ears.  
  
"As yeh can see, the male is bigger and has more purple in 'im. 'E seems to be a bit grouchy, too, but I wanted yeh to see the difference. Now remember, if yeh ever see a dragon do not approach it. They are beautiful, gorgeous creatures, but very dangerous!" Hagrid warns as he lets the dragon go. Chip, thinking that Hagrid's warning was an understatement, let the female go as well.  
  
The two dragons crawl back into their den, but before the female is out of sight, she turns and blows a small fire in Hagrid and Chip's general direction.  
  
"Now, we'll start where we left off. We're actually looking fer the Esquilax, before we got the treat of the two dragons..." (Treat? questions Chip) "...The Esquilax is quite common 'ere in the Forest and we'll probably find one soon..." before Hagrid finishes the sentence, he is off running again. This time, they are in a clearing and Chip, thankfully doesn't have to run after him to get the shots of aa very large man chasing boarsized creature that has the head, torso and front legs of a horse; and the hind legs of a rabbit.   
  
The chase scene is quite comical (almost comical enough to make Chip forget that he isn't having a very fun evening filming this insipid show), as Hagrid every now and then believe that he can catch the quickly darting Esquilax and dives only to get a handful of grass and dirt. The Esquilax is about to run into the forest at the edge of the small clearing, but Hagrid finally grabs it by its rabbit legs and drags it backward.  
  
"This 'ere's what we've been trying to find tonight. It's an Esquilax, a relatively non-threatening creature, but quite fearsome if cornered."  
  
"You mean the way you have it cornered now?" Chip asks as the Esquilax tries to nip Hagrid with very sharp looking teeth.  
  
"Nah, she won't bite me. Isn't she beautiful? She's gorgeous. The horse half is brown as yeh can see and the rabbit half is white. It's quite rare to see the two parts in the same color, and considered a sign of luck if yeh do. Personally, I like it mixed up like this gorgeous little girl is right 'ere. She's just a little stressed right now..."  
  
"I would be too if someone were holding me up like a wheelbarrow without my consent."  
  
"...so I'll let 'er go," Hagrid says, ignoring the snide comment from Chip. The Esquilax looks incredibly relieved and runs very quickly off into the forest and out of sight.  
  
Hagrid looks at his watch and turns to the camera. "Well, that's about all the time we 'ave fer now, folks. 'Ope this sets yer mind at ease knowin' that yer children are goin' ta be learnin' about all these animals as well as potions, transfiguration, defense against the dark arts, and many other wonderful classes 'ere at 'Ogwarts."  
  
Chip shuts off the camera and thinks to himself that if he were a Muggle parent, he would consider not letting his child be sent to a place anywhere near the Forbidden Forest, much less would his mind be set at ease. But Dumbledore must know what he's doing, sending out videos like this to the parents, right?  
  
  
THE END  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's Note: Well, there it is...I don't know if this came out the way I wanted it. First of all, to all you reviewers out there who might read this, the overuse of the words 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' is intentional. If you've ever seen "Croc Hunter" you know that that's really how he talks. Both situations are taken from real shows (replace dragons with very big rattlesnakes and the Esquilax with a wild boar) and Chip comments resemble the ones that go through my mind whenever I watch that show. If you don't have Animal Planet (a channel) then you most likely don't get this and I'm truly sorry, but please don't review and say that you didn't get it because you haven't seen the show.   
  
The television show, "The Crocodile Hunter," belongs to the Animal Planet network and Steve Irwin. Hagrid and the Forbidden Forest belong to JK Rowling. The Esquilax is probably a real medieval animal, but I got it from The Simpson's. Chip and the breed Scottish Spiketail are mine. That's about it.  



End file.
